Dharma Message from Rev. Marvin Harada

“The Difficulty of Seeing Oneself ”

 

   Recently I had a funny experience that showed me how difficult it is to see oneself.  I went to San Jose for a meeting and was walking across the street to the San Jose Betsuin (Temple) where the meeting was being held.  As I crossed the street, a car was pulling up to the intersection and the driver, a woman, was waving and smiling at me.  I didn't recognize the woman, but as a minister, sometimes people remember me from something, but I don't immediately remember them.  I was looking at this woman frantically racking my brain trying to think if I knew this woman.  Did I do her wedding years ago?  Did I do a funeral for someone in her family?  Was she a former member who had moved to San Jose?  Who was she?  As she pulled up closer to the intersection, she rolled down her window and shouted hi to me, but she called me by another minister's name.  Let me just use a fictitious name and say that she called me, Rev. "Suzuki" instead of Rev. Harada.  When she pulled up closer, she realized that I wasn't Rev. "Suzuki" and she kind of had this embarrassed look on her face and then drove past. 

    I first felt relieved that she wasn't someone that I hadn't recognized or had forgotten her name.  Then I thought to myself, "She mistook me for Rev. Suzuki.  How could she mistake me for Rev. Suzuki?"

    When I got to the meeting room, Rev. "Suzuki" as we shall refer to him, was also there.  I began to look at Rev. "Suzuki" and pondered, "How did she mistake me for him?  He is a short, chunky, middle-aged Japanese guy.  I don't look like that at all." 

    Then it dawned on me.  I'm a short, chunky, middle-aged Japanese guy!!   I look exactly like that.  It was totally understandable that the woman in the car would mistake me for Rev. "Suzuki."

    How hard it is for us to see ourselves, even in a physical sense.  How much harder is it for us to see ourselves in a spiritual sense. 

    Another funny experience I had was many years ago.  After a Sunday service I was out in front of our hondo, or main sanctuary, talking to people after the classes and services.  One of our members came up to me, put his arm around me, and said, "Sensei, I have to talk to you privately," and he pulled me away from everyone else off to the side with our backs turned to others.  I was concerned.  I thought he was going to ask for some kind of counseling, or that maybe he was distraught or had bad news about something.  As a minister, sometimes people approach you with various personal or spiritual matters.

    To my great shock, this kind member said to me, "Sensei, your zipper is down.  I had to pull you away from everyone to tell you." 

    Something so close to me, -- the zipper to my own slacks, I could not see that it was completely down.  It took that kind member to notice it and point it out to me.

    How much more so is it hard to see our ego self, our dark side as is termed in the movie, "Star Wars."  Our ego self does not want to be shown itself.  It even has all kinds of little tricks to prevent it from seeing itself.  In Psychology they have all kinds of names for these little tricks, like "defense mechanism", or similar terms.  Our ego self protects itself very cleverly from the reality and truth of what we are. 

    For example, our ego self is quick to blame others for when things go wrong.  It wasn't my fault.  It was his fault, or their fault, or the faults or ineptness of many others.  It couldn't be me.  I am never wrong.

    Sometimes our ego self rationalizes things.  Well, I acted that way because I have been under a lot of stress or pressure.  People should understand what I have been going through. 

    Shinran Shonin is amazing because his writings reflect how he has seen deep into his spiritual self.  In looking deep into his spiritual self, he is shown or sees his ego self.  Through the light of the Dharma, he sees his ego self, beyond the clever defense mechanisms, beyond the rationalizations that the ego self normally uses to protect itself. 

    I think the clearest example of this is from his writings titled, "Reflections of a Foolish Baldheaded One."  Just from the title itself we can see how sharply honest and sincere he is about himself.  No one in his right mind calls himself a fool.  In this writing, Shinran expresses his awareness of his "inside" vs. his "outside."  This means that he is able to see how he shows himself to the world, his "outside", but also sees how he truly feels, his "inside." 

 

Reflections of a Foolish Baldheaded One
translated by Rev. Marvin Harada (excerpts only)

            On the inside, I have doubtful feelings.
            On the outside, I appear to have religious understanding.

            On the inside, I have an evil nature,
            On the outside, I appear to be good.

            On the inside, I am deceitful,
            On the outside, I appear to be sincere.

            On the inside, I am foolish.
            On the outside, I appear to be wise.

    Like a mirror that reflects, Shinran in this writing shows how his true self, his enlightened self, reflects and illuminates his heart and mind and shows him his ego self.  Thus he is able to not only see, but confess his inner and outer self.  Normally, we only see that which we show to the world, our outer, sincere self.  But Shinran sees his inner, deceitful, self-centered, foolish, insincere self.  That is his enlightenment.  The inner, ego self that is hard to see, Shinran is able to see, only because he has a mirror.  The mirror is his true self that reflects and illuminates showing him his ego self. 

    The Buddhist path as a whole, but especially the Shin Buddhist path is one of seeing oneself.  It is the hardest thing to see in life, but once our life is illuminated, or reflected such that we get a glimpse into our ego self, our life will be radiant, bright, and unbounded. 

Namuamidabutsu,
Rev. Marvin Harada

Rev. Harada is a resident Minister at the Orange County Buddhist Church

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